Changed Behaviour is the Best Policy
Never say sorry for something you're not going to change.
Saying "sorry" is different from repenting. The latter requires a change of heart and behaviour.
Sadly, some people give masterful phoney apologies that are high in remorse but low in responsibility. That is, they say the right words but take no responsibility for their actions. They've learned they can avoid consequence by merely dropping a seemingly heartfelt apology. If they say the right words and put on a contrite face, people who might hold them accountable will leave them alone.
If you find yourself often apologizing, perhaps for a repeated thing, you're not apologizing; you're just trying to avoid blame. You're not trying to be better.
An apology is not a method for getting yourself off the hook.
An apology is not a way to lower consequences.
An apology is not a chance to convince people you are a humble or thoughtful person.
An apology is not manipulative self-deprecation.
An apology is a promise. People don't need your nonpologies and your fauxpologies. People need you never to do it again.
Let me give a few tips on how to provide a good and real apology.
First, express remorse. This happens when you, with genuine feeling, say you are sorry. The words "I'm sorry" must leave your mouth. They must have conviction. It is not enough for you to say it, or you to feel it. The other person needs to feel it.
Second, you've got to own it. You do this by clearly saying you were wrong. You don't give excuses and reasons; you own the wrong. This is not the step where you defend your action.
Next, specify the wrong-doing. Naming it shows the recipient that you thoroughly understand the bad thing you did. You say, "I was wrong when I…" This step requires an admission of the thing you did wrong. This is not the step where you blame-shift by using a phrase like that has the world, "if." Never say, "I'm sorry if…", say "I'm sorry that...". For example: "I'm sorry THAT I hurt you," not, "I'm sorry IF I hurt you."
The "if apology" doesn't count. "I apologize IF I offended anyone" is what some call an Ifpology. Ifpologies are the go-to apologies for politicians and celebrities. It is a way of apologizing without admitting any wrong-doing and avoiding litigation.
Then, you move on to identifying the resulted effect. You acknowledge the hurtful or harmful impact of your actions. You say something like, "I know what I did made you feel [insert feeling] and caused you to [insert impact], and now you will find it difficult to [insert lingering result]." By saying that, you are validating feelings and affirming ownership of the outcomes. Do not try to lay ancillary blame on the other person by saying something like, "I'm sorry you were offended." It should be, "I'm sorry I offended you."
The last step is a question, usually. You simply ask the person what you can do to make things right or better. "What can I do to fix this? How do I make this right? What would you like me to do?" Sometimes you don't have to ask the question because you already know what you need to do. In that case, you need to list out what you are going to do to make it right.
By the way, letting time pass is not an apology. Whom do you owe an apology soon?
So, a homework assignment (if you're up for it): To whom do you need to apologize? Write a note to them using the method above.
Sometimes you can find yourself apologizing over and over for the same things. You're stuck (temporarily). If you want to talk about relationship goals, connect with me, and we can work together on it.
